After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just had sex bonerless
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just puked most of my soul out..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
