And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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