i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
