I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
