They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
