pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
