Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I met the friendliest cop last night
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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