this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's rum buckets o'clock
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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