More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
