the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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