oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
