A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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