it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
