this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
