Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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