I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
