so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
