new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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