Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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