The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
