the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
