My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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