eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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