so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
