just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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