she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
