Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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