I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
