hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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