a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
