There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
