Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
