My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I smell like Dick and happiness
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
