got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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