I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
