Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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