I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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