my mouth tastes like poor choices
Soap is not a condiment
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
