im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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