Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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