I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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