Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
