Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
