I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish