watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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