Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
