You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
