I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
