If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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