I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
