i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
