Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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