I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
