Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
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What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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