my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
