Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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