i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
