My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
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Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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