I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
