I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So many bounce houses so little time
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
