so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
