By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
