one word: firstdatebathroomanal
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
